Vipassana Meditation Experience - a 10 day journey into myself
Backstory
Vipassana Meditation is a meditation technique involving
mindfulness of breathing, thoughts, feelings and sensations to understand true
nature of the reality. I found this meditation while I was researching about
mindfulness 2 years back. It was quite intriguing to read about it, especially
when it mentions you are disconnected with the outside world for 10 days and
also you shouldn’t speak with any person for 10 days. I planned to go this
program in 2014 October (perfect in my
tight schedule), but I didn’t attend. I’ve convinced myself that I was
busy, but the truth being I wasn’t mentally prepared. In 2015, I regretted
twice that I should’ve attended the program, but was busy preoccupied in other
works. In 2016, being free in the summer, I’ve decided to not waste this
opportunity.
Even in 2016, it was surely a hard decision for me to
attend this meditation program. I visualized it as some form of mental
institution and you get brainwashed or manipulated into something as it
requires 10-day solitary confinement. In reality, it wasn’t a brainwashing
program, but surely a mental institution as the meditation technique is
intended to help you come out of suffering. But, anyway, I’ve prepared myself
to attend the program. It was sort of terrifying for myself as I’ve to meditate
here 10 hours a day for 10 days, whereas I’ve spent 10+ hours a day on computer
screen for the last 12 years. There were also certain periods when I’ve got
headaches if I missed the 10-hour screen time for 2 days continuous or so.
I had earlier experience in meditation, where I haven’t
followed any particular technique to meditate. I just used to sit in silence in
early morning for almost 30 min and also late night concentrating on
respiration. I could do this meditation, but only when I had some requirement
like very tight schedule, or some challenging work. When I had no such
requirements, I couldn’t even mediate for 5 minutes. I primarily did it to
increase my concentrating power and also sleep less.
Here goes my meditation experience. It is surely a
breathtaking journey, and I’ve divided into many sub-concepts to convey the
content in an easy read manner.
Day
0 – The day when you travel to the Meditation center. I’ve
started early and took the bus to the center. I had to change 4 buses, and 1 of
them failed en route. I started to contemplate, “Is that a sign from the universe warning me not to go further?? or just
engine trouble and a bad day for the driver??” Until now, I never really
cared what universe told me to do (if it
really did), so I’ve decided not to start that today. Well, I took another
bus and reached the place. The person at the registration has asked me
questions about my determination and meditation rules, and then allotted me a
single room after completing the application form. The cognitive dissonance in
my mind was racing ahead with the conflicting thoughts of pros/cons and
everything. I went ahead and checked the room, and at the same time I wanted to
leave the place. The room was simple, clean and neat. There was introductory
video about meditation and rules was played at 7 and then a tour of the center.
Noble silence starts on day zero at 8 pm when we first enter the main
meditation hall. I was expecting silence from Day 1, but it didn’t make a great
difference at that particular moment.
Day
1 to Day 9
Day
10 – the so called noble silence stops at 10 am on day 10. The
meditation is also relaxed to just 3 main sittings; 8-9 am, 2.30-3.30 pm and
6-7pm with the discourse continued after that. They returned our wallet at 10
am, and mobile phones back at 4 pm. I tried to leave on Day 10 by mentioning
some lame excuse (knowing that it
wouldn’t work) and the teacher didn’t permit me. I felt there was no reason
to stay there any more as I’ve learnt what I intended, i.e. to learn a
meditation technique. It didn’t make a big difference staying there for 1 more
day, and I felt I should’ve left on day 10 itself by one or other way. The day
was designed to help you transition back to normal life, as it could be hard
moving back to routine life after such confinement. I felt that I wouldn’t have
any trouble moving back (and didn’t have
any trouble) coming back to my routine life.
Day
11 – on this day, at 4.30, there was a discourse and then you
are free to leave the meditation center. I’ve made a few acquaintances on the
previous day and one kind person has helped me to get back to my home quickly.
It was quite intriguing to get back to my usual life after 10 days of solitary
confinement.
Meditation
– the
meditation was an enthralling experience. You improve your concentration
ability by focusing on respiration for the first 3 days. With the improved
ability to concentrate, you start to look for sensations in your body.
Sensation can be anything like pain, itching, press, prickle, etc. And, you
have to observe them without craving or despising any sensation. From day 4,
your work is just to observe sensations, and you should start focusing on
subtle sensations like prickling which are harder to get, than gross sensations
like pain which are easy to feel. Observing these sensations is further
connected to the philosophy of Buddhism. And, the reason you observe these
sensations is to understand the changes which happen to your body every second
of the life, and which preludes to impermanence and change concepts.
With those 10 days in isolation, I could improve my
focus, and even ability to sense things. My whole 21 years were running like
flashback in my eyes. I was also frustrated many times for shorter periods as I
wanted to run away from what I was experiencing. It is like you are outside
your comfort zone (mentally). You wouldn't like many things, and the whole
point of this meditation is just to ‘observe and let go’, whether it is a good/bad
thought/memory.
Food
– The
food offered at the center is usually of good quality. Other than fruits, there
is no limit on the quantity which could be taken by a person. The timings are
surely odd, with breakfast at 6.30 am, lunch at 11 am and evening snacks at 5
pm. The lunch is far better compared to breakfast and evening snacks. And,
typically, a person consumes more food over there. It’s simple logic.
During breakfast, you eat more as you haven’t eaten for
the last 13 hours.
During lunch, you consume more food as it is the best
meal (really tasty) of the day.
During evening snacks, you eat more as you wouldn’t have anything
for the next 13 hours.
The vicious cycle goes for 10 days.
Sleep
– The
official sleep timings are 9.30 pm to 4 am. So, it is basically gross 7 hours 30
min, but you wouldn’t be physically exhausted to induce sleep easily. And, as
you are also meditating for the most time, your mind isn’t exhausted, but
rather free from all tensions and situations. After day 3, you find it is very
hard to sleep, but you can expect to get ~4 hours sleep. You’ll get wonderful
sleep during morning meditation 4.30 to 6.30. I’ve mastered the art of sleeping
in sitting position by practicing it every day from 4.30 to 5.30. I hope I can also learn to sleep while you
keep your eyes open (that’ll be true mastery). You also get good sleep in
the afternoon, especially after that heavy meal. The teacher gives you tips to
control sleep, which are effective till some extent but it is hard to follow
those tips every time you get sleep.
Reality
& Experience – While meditating, your mind is easily
distracted. As Goenka mentions in
discourses, that our mind is “monkey
mind”, and he says it doesn’t like to be controlled. I had a contradicting
thought, assuming that our mind was created not to be controlled, but to
explore and distract. Maybe, it’s the originality of the mind. Of course,
scientific studies have shown that with controlling your mind, you increase
your ability to do various works.
Distractions
(Memories & Thoughts) – This would take up major
part of the meditation time. Memories flaunt your mind and sometimes even mess
up your mind. And, the point of the meditation is not to suppress the memories,
but to let them go while just observing them. That’s again a hard scenario.
While you’ll be ready to let go of bad memories, you’ll love to keep thinking
of good memories, but you have to let both go. I’ve never thought more about my
future life in a deep way, but I’ve developed plans and also contingencies for
all my plans. The teacher says whenever you realize that you’ve been
distracted, accept it, and come back to usual work of observing the sensations.
It is very hard, and sometimes, I’ve realized like 15 times in just 1 hour of
meditation.
Noble
Silence – The only people you are allowed to talk is the teacher
and the management. You wouldn’t really enjoy any of the conversations you have
with them and they don’t encourage it either. Just small talks when required.
With an introverted personality, it wasn’t hard for me to maintain silence, but
it felt weird getting depressed thoughts like you are alone although surrounded
by people. I even felt that’s the reality of the world which we exist, where we
wouldn’t really talk about things that matter although given the chance to talk.
I broke the noble silence when a person talked to me on day 3. I felt very rude
if I hadn’t replied him, so I had to do it. And, also on day 9 in the night, a
casual conversation with another person.
Discourse
– they
are really good. And, I think, watching this discourse would actually fuel your
motivation to meditate next day. The fuel depletes by afternoon and you’ll feel
sleepy. And, then you wait till evening to refuel for next day. You can also
watch them in youtube.
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLPJVlVRVmhc4Z01fD57jbzycm9I6W054x
Bird
& Stars Watching – I’ve redeveloped my interest in bird
watching at this center. As a kid, and also as an adolescent, I enjoyed bird
watching. I liked the sounds made by birds, and I used to trace the sound back
to the bird. It used to be my favorite hobby while attending classes in the
school. During meditation breaks, I’ve started to redevelop this hobby. I don’t
really remember the reason I gave up bird watching (probably due to hardcore gaming), but I liked finding my interest
again. Another hobby was to look at the stars in the night. I enjoy this
activity a lot. It makes me feel content and also gives me time for
introspection. At the least, I try to watch the stars for a minute even in the
most hectic periods. I even followed this when I was in the USA, and even
looked through windows across my flights (could see nothing). I often felt that
stars, moon, sky, are the same whether it is India or USA, but we have
distinguished ourselves from one another (some
other time about this topic).
Rain
– I
remembered the song ‘I Think It’s Going
To Rain Today’ by ‘Tom Odell’ on day 3 and day 9 as it rained at the center.
Bright
before me the signs implore me
To
help the needy and show them the way
Human
kindness is overflowing
And
I think it's going to rain today
The lyrics were apt as this meditation taught about human
kindness, and also the path of enlightenment.
Final
Verdict – the meditation taught about impermanence, suffering or unsatisfactoriness,
and the realization of non-self. I already know and living by
the concept “impermanence” for the
last 3 years. So, nothing new for me. Secondly, suffering or being unsatisfied.
Of course, I might suffer or be unsatisfied, but I can always strive for the
opposite and be content with my life. Well, nothing is permanent, right?? Lastly,
realization of non-self. This is quite intriguing, as it is related to the
concept of soul. This also connects to one of the teachings where the teacher
mentions if we don’t strive for liberation, our soul would continue to the next
life with the same characteristics. I don’t believe in past or future life or
reincarnations, so it is hard for me to believe this third teaching of
meditation. But, I can say, with meditation you can actually understand
yourself. So, I’d like to call it “realization
of myself” than “realization of
non-self”.
There are also imbibed teachings such as letting go of
attachments and belief in karma. A simple example could summarize my feelings
on this meditation. After coming back, I surely missed my dog. I just thought
this, “F*** this attachment and
liberation. I love my dog. Who knows what’s gonna happen next second, and why
the f*** do I need to let go of my attachments. Would that make me happy?? I
don’t know, but I am surely happy this second feeling attached to my dog. Yes, it is impermanent,
and that’s being me and what I am (understanding myself). To decide my fate
for the future life based on current actions is something which I don’t
believe. I do believe in causality for actions (I'll surely cry when my dog dies, and he's worth crying for) which happens in this life, but
not karma if it extends itself to past and future life.
Incomprehensibility
– Even
after writing about my meditation experience in such a long post, I still feel
I haven’t conveyed everything. There are few things which you experience during
meditation which can’t be comprehended. You need to experience that yourself
(which’ll also be different from one person to another). An example, of
something which can’t be comprehended is the feeling and thoughts you get when
you sense a very subtle sensation and change happening in your body. That’ll
make you feel totally different, and something which really can’t be explained.
This also changes you on an unconscious level, and the way you start to view your
life after the meditation.
Future
Will
I meditate? I need to meditate 1-hour morning, and 1-hour evening for almost a
year to understand the change within me. Well, today isn’t the day I’m taking
up this meditation, but I think I might start once I’m determined enough to
take it to a year.
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